This is a slight variation of ‘the ones i love are the ones who drive me most crazy’. Today my younger daughter asked if she could tell me something without me getting mad or ‘taking it the wrong way’. my other older daughter was sitting on her bed next to her, and murmured softly, ‘yeah….’ they both looked at each other, and then my younger one proceeded to tell me that my ‘selfies are kind if weird’. that i seem strange in them and they don’t get it. i was shocked. i admit that i am less the norm of most adult moms that do selfies. i like most all of them (or i would not post them). some are goofy, some are ‘artsy’, some are revealing (not in a sexual way).
I have always been told, i am strange or weird, especially when i was growing up. i am, but that’s a quirkiness about me that doesn’t really bother me now that i am older. except when my kids say it. the younger one said, ‘i just wanted you to know so you are not embarrassing yourself’ hmm, i didn’t think i was. and yet i am not capable of telling her, both of them, that. i have internalized this as the insult i had always been used to receiving when i was little. for some reason, it hurts immensely. and i want to cry. but the tears are stuck.
and so i made the rash decision to delete most all of myself selfies on instagram and facebook.
and while i was at it, i decided to unfriend some friends from facebook that are not invested in a friendship with me. the ones that take and take for granted and expect, but only respond to me only 3 times a year. despite my emotional, encouraging and even monetary (during those rough times) and/or packages of generosity. and the even sadder but realistic outcome of this as that they won’t even notice. except when the packages stop coming. it’s kind of ok. after all, you can’t sacrifice or compromise yourself for the happiness of others all the time.
it’s better to give than receive. but it’s better to receive than take.
today, i hurt.
but i will always love them.